Word Game

My friends at Lifes Spacings have a new and interesting word every Wednesday. Go see them if you'd like to play!

My offerings are various and silly, but the best was a little bit something like this:
The vampire vitiated its victim by draining her vital force.

Sensible Suggestions from a Senseless Mind

Writers, I have but one word for you. And that word is Word.
Do NOT do what a certain idiot I know who shall remain nameless did and initially write your work in Publisher so you could see what it would look like as a book. It is a horrible pain in the ass to convert the old Publisher files. You have to buy Publisher as well as MS Office. Unless you also create flyers and newsletters, Publisher is extraneous. But certain idiots have had to download it so as to be able to read their old files which contain information that they may now want to use.
Besides, no publisher accepts files created in Publisher. Word is universally accepted. So when writing remember, the word that is gospel is Word.

Teachers

The question was asked: What would you like to say today to the teacher that gave you a hard time in school?

Well, here is what I'd like to say:

Up yours! I'm 43 years old and I don't have to be here any more! You're obviously part of my nightmare!
One teacher that I can think of that gave me a hard time was my gym teacher when I was nine years old. I hadn't understood something he said so he made me run back and forth across the gym as a punishment and encouraged the other kids to laugh at me when my face turned beet red.
The other teacher that gave me a hard time was my sixth grade teacher who I really don't think liked kids at all. It's amazing that I still enjoy writing, but I think it's because I could see he was a jerk, in spite of the fact that I was always crying in his class. He was always giving me F's on my writing because I "followed too closely" the outlines I created. In other words, he knew that I wrote the story first and then the outline. But if you didn't follow the outline you created initially you would also get downgraded. It was a no-win situation. However, I remembered from when I was in fifth grade submitting a writing sample for those yearly tests and the results came back telling me that I was writing at an eighth grade level. I was proud of that and it stayed with me. Luckily, because sixth grade was horrible. Not only did I have this teacher trying to make me feel stupid, but I was given one of those IQ tests that is based on pattern recognition. Having a degree of dyslexia (which was not something they'd heard of back in the day) when it comes to numbers and patterns, I did horribly at it and until I was in my twenties and took a Mensa test (and did well on the whole, believe it or not) I believed that I was borderline retarded and was fooling everyone whenever I got a decent grade.
On the whole, I'd like to give almost every educational professional from my sixth grade year a whoopin' that they wouldn't forget.

Outskirts Press Plug

As the first draft of the second book nears completion (well, sort of) I have again signed on with Outskirts Press for the publication of the second book, which will probably be released in 2010.
Many different packages are available and they publish almost everything, except for porn and hate literature. If you have something in the works, you might want to check them out for yourself.
There are companies out there who allow you to publish your book "free," but you will still have to pay for printing, storage and promotion. In the long run, I find that I'd pay about as much anyway and having a reliable publisher is worthwhile to me.

Religion Meme

Which is the right religion for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Paganism Your beliefs are most closely aligned with those of paganism, Wicca, or a similar earth-based religion. You may also follow a Native American religion. Paganism 90% Buddhism 75% Islam 75% Confucianism 70% Hinduism 70% Agnosticism 70% Christianity 60% Haruhism 50% Atheism 50% Satanism 45% Judaism 20%

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Badam Doodh

In a chapter of the forthcoming book, some of the characters are drinking an Indian beverage called Badam Doodh. Here is how it is made. I found the recipe here.
I'm honestly not sure what Kesar is. The recipe makes me think of a drink that I like which is simply milk with about a 1/4 teaspoon of almond extract added. Very soothing!

Badam Doodh

Ingredients

2 cups milk
10 Almonds
Few strands of kesar
2 tsp sugar (more as per you taste)

Method

1. Blanch the almonds, peel and cut into thin slices, lengthwise
2. Soak kesar in 1tbsp warm milk for 10-15 minutes
3. Bring milk to boil
4. Add soaked kesar, sugar and almonds
5. Let it simmer on slow flame for a min
6. Stir well
7. Pour into cup, from a height
8. This way a lot of froth will form on the milk.
9. Serve piping hot

Making time: 10 minutes
Makes: 2 servings
Shelflife: Best immediate

The Classics Updated

glitter-graphics.com

Children's Classic Updated

by William Shakespeare

for Ye Olde Crappy Tymes Literary Section

Forsooth! Mine good olde chum Dr. Seuss was so much impressed with Ye Spooky Guy's collaborative effort with Ye Cheese Mistress, otherwise beknownst as Lily Strange, that he asked Spooky to help him to update his classic tale of Ham and Eggs of Green for today's more worldly child. Here be the result with which Dr. Seuss was most impressed.

"Spooky is indeed a great ghost writer," he said. "For he tells it like it is!"

I have ne'er in all my time living or dead seen a literary work for children quite so profane. Yet Seuss speaketh truth--the Spook telleth it plain! I myself hope to see more works by this salty-spoken Swede in future time. Perhaps I shall have him help me update mine own works for audiences of this modern day.

Forsooth, the Spook sayeth with me he would be glad to collaborate, and he hath already taken the liberty of translating a well known work of mine for modern audiences. Here be mine version for thee to first read in case thou wert not previously aware of it.

Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer's Day?
by William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.


And now the version created by mine respected ghost writer. With language most salty, this profane Scandinavian swain indeed pulleth no punches. The reading of his version maketh me swoon indeed. And thus, without much further ado about nothing, here be ye translation for thee to read as well.

A Fucking Hot Comparison of Hell and Summer

by William Shakespeare

Shall I compare you to a summer's day

Which is fucking hot and makes the sweat drip in my hair

And in the spring the fucking wind is always blowing

And it blows my hair into my mouth

Some fuckheads say the summer is too short

But I say it's too fucking long and makes me sweat a lot

And also I have to listen to the ungentle and totally fucking untalented strains of Death Cheese at all these fucking outdoor festivals

And that sucks goat ass more than anything

Oh well, you look sweaty and miserable just like me

And so together let us bitch and complain, my beloved fellow Curmudgeon

And I will kindly give you a pair of ear plugs to drown out the awful riffs of Death Cheese

If you will but pass me a towel that I may wipe the god damn sweat off of my brow before it drips into my eyes again

And together we shall be sweltering here in hell for all of eternity

Because hell is like an eternal hot fucking miserable summer day

Forsooth, I cannot wait to see what he hath wrought upon the lines of Romeo and Juliet!

William Shakespeare

More Grate Speling and Gramur From the Gerri Atrik Retarmint Comunitee

Today's spelling gaffe baffled The Cheesemeister:

Thou not till Saturday 26
Please put up now on Saturday
I posted only two places

"What could this mean?" pondered The Cheesy One. "Doth it mean, thou shalt not post this until Saturday? And if so, why dost thou givest it to me lo on this a Tuesday?"
But then she realized that what Chip or Dale meant to say was:

Though not till Saturday 26
Please put up now.
On Saturday, I posted only in two places

I guess one really does have to use their brains around this place after all--to figure out what Alvin N. Chipmunkk and his cronies REALLY mean!

78%

You Are 78% Creative

You are beyond creative. You are a true artist - even if it's not in the conventional sense of the word. You love creating for its own sake, and you find yourself quite inspired at times.

How Creative Are You?

When Children Play with Gods

Edwina Nystrom glared at Kalidasa Crewe from her hiding place in the trees. She knew that the dirty little blighter had invoked the terrible ancient goddess Kali, for whom he was always bragging he was named, and smote her poor innocent pony Rothschilde out of spite for Edwina's taking first place in the Ultimate Riding Challenge. Kalidasa was a spoilt rotten brat and a sore loser. But he did know how to invoke the ancient and terrible goddess of his grandmother's people.
"Well, I'm not afraid of him," Edwina said. "And I'm not such a coward as to have the ancient gods of my father's family smite a poor innocent horse. When I invoke Loki, it won't be to have Zebulon fall and break a leg. But the house of Crewe may well encounter Ragnarok this day!"

This story (and the picture) originally appeared here.

Traci's New Lips

Traci was really happy with the new lips she got at Dr. Quincy's Plastic Surgery Emporium in the Netherworld. She was so happy she couldn't stop smiling. Then she realized something awful: she really COULDN'T stop smiling!

Originally posted on Indie's blog, which is where the picture is stolen from.

X Zone Radio

This is a letter I wrote to the X-Zone radio. They feature various paranormal topics.

Greetings,

I hope this doesn't appear too arrogant, as I am really not an arrogant individual, but the guest I would like to suggest is myself. My name is Lily Strange and I am a clairsentient medium who wrote a book with the help of a spirit. The book is horror fiction but it also contains elements of truth. My co-author is a very interesting and unique man who committed suicide in 1991 when he could no longer endure his troubled life. We made contact with one another in 2005. I was working on editing a book at the time and he started giving me suggestions. Quite by accident, we became co-authors. If this sounds at all interesting, feel free to visit our website at http://www.lilystrange.com to find out more.

I also do Tarot and other divination readings and would be interested in being a guest reader if you would have the need. While I don't consider myself a professional reader, I've been told by those I've done readings for that I have a good accuracy rate. I go into great detail and treat every client's question as if it had personal meaning for me. To look at some of my readings for an idea of what I do, I have a blog at http://lilyscrystalball.blogspot.com
Unfortunately at this point most of the readings on the blog are those I have done for myself as I do not have a vast client base, but it will give an idea of the style I use. I also have a page at http://www.mysticvision.org
If I sound like someone you would like to interview, I would love to hear from you. You can contact me either at this email address or at (666) 555-4444.
If I don't sound like someone you would like to interview, I would love to hear a quote of your advertising rates so I could potentially advertise with you.
Blessings,
Lily

Gloom and Doom

Yeah, I'm really depressed and unhappy right now. I write because it's the one thing that I still believe is worthwhile. Often it is not pleasurable but can be cathartic I suppose. Some pretty ugly shit dumps into it from the back of my psyche.

Possessed By The Writing Demon

This was actually a reply to a statement made by a friend that once I earned the godforsaken nursing degree that I don't really want I can write for the love of writing rather than to make money. While this would work for someone who is sane, it doesn't work for the certifiably insane. And that would be--my evil twin, of course!

That being said, here is my explanation of what my amazing hack-titude at writing means to me.

I don't write as a means to earn a living. I do it because I'm possessed. Not by him (my spectral co-author)--I've just always had this need to do it. I don't really expect to ever make any money doing it. But like Bierce, Lovecraft and Poe before me, I do it because it has taken hold of my soul.
I've always had a love-hate relationship with writing. It's like one of those pathological romances that is both destructive and as essential as breathing. I sometimes hate that I HAVE to do it or I start becoming insanely depressed. But I love creating the alternative realities.
I can't put off writing while earning this godforsaken nursing degree, which I would jump ship from in a heartbeat if anything else I'm working on starts making money for me! The fact of the matter is that I do NOT have any desire to be a nurse. It doesn't speak to my soul. It's just a damn job. Which means I'll be a half-assed nurse, just like I'm a half-assed medical technician. But I've been stuck in the medical field for so long that I'm too old to do anything else unless one of these online projects takes off.
In the meantime, I will strive to make my place on the list of great weird fiction writers. I can't actually ever hold a candle to those who went before, but I hope that someday someone will read what I've written and say "hell yeah! I want to write like Bierce, Lovecraft, Poe and STRANGE!" Then I'll have succeeded.

Care for a slice of Prome Rib?

I'm always griping about the grammatical errors of the activities department here at the Gerri Atrik retirement community, but as I was about to update the date on this menu, which was typed out and proofread by none other than someone who looks very much like me but couldn't be me because I would never be this stupid, I noticed that the chow du jour was:

Roast Turkey With Gravy

Prome Rib Au Jus

Surely I was possessed by a very stupid demon when I allowed this particular typo to get by! Either that or there really is something called Prome Rib which is reserved for the elite of society and is so uppah-uppah crust that we peons don't even know of its existence!

Lying To Myself

What a horrible feeling, having actually written a book but coming to the distressing realization that so many people write far better than me. I realized after the book was published that what I write is actually pulp trash, and while I enjoy pulp trash, it's kind of a come down to realize that I'm not truly a good writer.
It's too bad I have no other skills or interests. I once wanted to be a psychotherapist but I didn't think that crazy people could do that, and I'm too old now.
It sucks knowing that in truth I have nothing of interest to say and my writing will never make the difference that I wished it would.
It sucks realizing that I am worthless.

The puzzle that is me

You Are a Crossword Puzzle

You are well read, and you have a good head for remembering facts. You are a wordsmith. You have a way with words, and you're very literate. You are a mysterious person who enjoys dropping little clues every now and then.

What Kind of Puzzle Are You?

It's all true!

My Mind Is Blue

Your Mind is Blue

Of all the mind types, yours is the most mellow. You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles. Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.

What Color Is Your Mind?

I don't think I'm in a meditative state so much as I'm trying to escape from reality! I've always been a daydreamer. And a nightmarer.