Giving In

I've been having suicidal thoughts and have been reading a lot of psych blogs today. I've incorporated both my own feelings and those of other survivors of abuse.

The original story appears here.

A SURVIVOR SUCCUMBS

No matter how long she stayed in the water, Wendy couldn't wash away the feeling of self hate that stopped her from living life. It wasn't the matter of taking some pill the doctor said would make her become closer to normal. It wasn't the matter of listening to a therapist tell her that she'd never be normal, but here were some ways that she could act so she'd pass. Deep inside, Wendy knew she was dirty, ugly and unlovable.
"You can't wash away the filth on the inside," Wendy thought.
She would never be loved. She would always be used and abandoned, just as all men had always used and abandoned her. Starting when she was very young, she must have been created simply to fulfill the pleasure of others and never receive love in return. She was worthless. And now Ellen, whom she thought was her salvation from all the horror and sorrow that had come before, had apparently used and abandoned her too.
Wendy glanced down at the straight razor sitting on the edge of the tub.

Would you open yours?

Here is my follow up to the two stories I linked to in the last post:

"Crap," said Eddie. "Do I open the fortune cookie or don't I? My friend Phillip opened a fortune cookie. It told him he would find the perfect woman. Which he did. But then he turned into a horrible monster and swam out to see to find R'Lyeh, whatever the hell that is. Then again Leonard opened a fortune cookie and it told him he'd take over a large business and be insanely successful. Oh, what to do, what to do?"
"Place is closing," the owner called to Eddie. "You going to eat that fortune cookie or no?"

Stories from beyond the stars

Here are some stories from my Mythos Encyclopedia blog.

Phillip's Woman
The Transformation

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More Publisher Drama

Got this message from Mago regarding my publisher crap:
The opinion of a non-business-man.
If the issue can not be cleared and nobody reacts when asked about this particular text - print it and bam: There's a book.
When somebody afterwards claims a violation of his copy-rights, so be it: Document the actual situation and what has been done and the reactions for your protection - it can not be that the non-reaction of somebody prevents a work of art from being published. There is always the possibility of a later agreement.

Publishing is publishing, no matter whether the result is printed professionally and in hardcover or via web and printed on my shruddle-ink-pissing-machine.
End of unreflected brabbling.
63mago | Homepage | 06.19.07 - 11:42 am | #

And I responded thus:

Mago,
I agree with everything you say. The need to have a professional looking book in hand is simply a personal desire. The book is no less a book if it's delivered in electronic form. But---waaaah! I want a BOOK that people can later pry from my cold dead hands--something where I can wave it around and say "I did this!"
I'm one of those authors that believes publicity is good, and as long as someone properly attributes my work to me, we're good. I wouldn't even take them to court for insulting me because there's no such thing as bad publicity, although I probably would rip them a new asshole.
By the very anal interpretation of the rules this publisher is using, I couldn't write a historical novel in which I quoted "Mein Kampf" to show what a nut case Hitler was and what drove him to his crimes against humanity because it was published in 1925. By their interpretation of the rule, the book would have to have been published before 1923. But nobody holds the copyright to this material, and unless Hitler discovered the fountain of youth and didn't actually commit suicide in his bunker but instead was beamed up by aliens from Sirius, he's dead.
Clark Ashton Smith has been dead for 46 years. I haven't been able to find any heirs nor any copyright holders. The material was used under fair use rules by Chaosium Publishing. I've never heard of anything this insane in my life! There is such a thing as too literal of an interpretation of a rule in most cases.
Cheesemeister | 06.19.07 - 6:06 pm | #

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Discouraged

I'm not feeling discouraged on the whole about writing but am feeling discouraged because of the publishing thing. I'm feeling pissed that I spent so much money on the publisher, totally went into hock, and now I may not be able to get the story published after all because of some little hang up. By law I actually could publish the book as it is, the publishing company are just being sticklers. I may have to give up on the idea of having the book in printed form and have to form a pay site, charge $5 for people to be able to access the book online, donate $2.50 per sale to the World Health Organization. I'll do it if I have to. The sooner I know what the hell is going down the better. This sucks.

Hang Ups

I couldn't have been born normal. Oh nooo. I had to be a writer. But I couldn't write nice romance novels. I had to be a freakazoid who talks to ghosts! And now my stupid novel is held up in the production. This is the cryptic letter I got from the publishing company.

Hi Cheesemeister,

While in the pre-publication phase of your manuscript, we noticed some potential copyright issues. Your manuscript may contain images and/or passages of text that are problematic. Here are our guidelines:

If your manuscript contains any images and/or text that you did not personally create as original material, you may not have the legal right to include such material in your manuscript. Such material includes lyrics to songs; excerpts from published stories, books, or poems; published and commercially produced images; images containing the likeness of someone you do not know personally (living or dead); and photographs taken by someone other than you or an immediate family member.

Outskirts Press will only publish images and/or text created or produced by someone other than the author if the material was first published before 1923 or if you have obtained written authorization from the legal owner of such material to publish it as part of your manuscript. Please be aware that Outskirts Press will not accept “Fair Use” claims nor will we accept bibliographic information acknowledging the source of the copyrighted material in lieu of written authorization.

If your manuscript contains images and/or text created or produced by someone else and you have not already obtained this written authorization, you must do so before we can publish your manuscript. Written authorization from the copyright holder is sufficient. I have attached a copy of the Authorization to Publish form for your convenience. Please fax all signed documentation to Outskirts Press at 888.672.6657.

If you need assistance securing permissions or verifying your rights to use, we can provide you with the name and contact information of a specialist who works and charges independently of Outskirts Press.

If you are unable to secure appropriate authorization or decide it is not worth the bother or expense, please remove the material from your manuscript so we can proceed with publication.

Outskirts Press has adopted this policy for the protection of all writers and creators of original images and photographs, and once you are published, we will protect your work in the same diligent manner.

Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns about this issue, and I’ll be happy to help resolve them. I will wait to hear from you regarding this matter before proceeding.

Sincerely,

Eager Beaver

Aw, for fuck's sake!

I think I know which item might be the problem. I hope it isn't more than just this one thing. But could they have been SPECIFIC? You know, told me which thing was the problem instead of leaving me to guess? Oh noooo! That might be helpful!

I quote material from H.P. Lovecraft, Edgar Allan Poe, William Drummond and Clark Ashton Smith in the book. I obtained permission from Arkham House to use the Lovecraft material. William Drummond was a poet from the 1500's. Edgar Allan Poe died in 1849. The Clark Ashton Smith story I quoted was published in 1935 and I credited him as the source, mentioning the story I got it from and where it was published. This magazine no longer exists. I thought enough time might have passed that I could use the material simply by crediting the source but it has to be before 1923. Shee-at! So I wrote to Chaosium to ask them where they got permission from to use Clark Ashton Smith's character Quachil Uttaus in their RPG books. Smith died in 1961, and I'm hoping that there won't be problems with the occasional blurbs (usually couched in double entendre) in some of my other text, using Mayhem lyrics because my publisher isn't going to buy that the guy who wrote the lyrics also wrote the sentences--through me, seeing as he died in 1991! But whatever the case may be, could my publisher perhaps have SPECIFIED what the problem was rather than leaving me to shoot in the dark? Criminy!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck!

Sometimes I really wish I was normal!