The Classics Updated

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Children's Classic Updated

by William Shakespeare

for Ye Olde Crappy Tymes Literary Section

Forsooth! Mine good olde chum Dr. Seuss was so much impressed with Ye Spooky Guy's collaborative effort with Ye Cheese Mistress, otherwise beknownst as Lily Strange, that he asked Spooky to help him to update his classic tale of Ham and Eggs of Green for today's more worldly child. Here be the result with which Dr. Seuss was most impressed.

"Spooky is indeed a great ghost writer," he said. "For he tells it like it is!"

I have ne'er in all my time living or dead seen a literary work for children quite so profane. Yet Seuss speaketh truth--the Spook telleth it plain! I myself hope to see more works by this salty-spoken Swede in future time. Perhaps I shall have him help me update mine own works for audiences of this modern day.

Forsooth, the Spook sayeth with me he would be glad to collaborate, and he hath already taken the liberty of translating a well known work of mine for modern audiences. Here be mine version for thee to first read in case thou wert not previously aware of it.

Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer's Day?
by William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.


And now the version created by mine respected ghost writer. With language most salty, this profane Scandinavian swain indeed pulleth no punches. The reading of his version maketh me swoon indeed. And thus, without much further ado about nothing, here be ye translation for thee to read as well.

A Fucking Hot Comparison of Hell and Summer

by William Shakespeare

Shall I compare you to a summer's day

Which is fucking hot and makes the sweat drip in my hair

And in the spring the fucking wind is always blowing

And it blows my hair into my mouth

Some fuckheads say the summer is too short

But I say it's too fucking long and makes me sweat a lot

And also I have to listen to the ungentle and totally fucking untalented strains of Death Cheese at all these fucking outdoor festivals

And that sucks goat ass more than anything

Oh well, you look sweaty and miserable just like me

And so together let us bitch and complain, my beloved fellow Curmudgeon

And I will kindly give you a pair of ear plugs to drown out the awful riffs of Death Cheese

If you will but pass me a towel that I may wipe the god damn sweat off of my brow before it drips into my eyes again

And together we shall be sweltering here in hell for all of eternity

Because hell is like an eternal hot fucking miserable summer day

Forsooth, I cannot wait to see what he hath wrought upon the lines of Romeo and Juliet!

William Shakespeare