A Truly Crappy Book

And I mean that in a good way!
Click the title link!
Read the excerpt at the one and only Poop Report!

The Latest From The Greatest...

And from me too! My vignettes, and those of others, from the Indeterminacy Blog.
Celine's Dillemma (I probably spelled that wrong)
Almond Cake

Listening to:
Let's Get It Up by AC/DC
I love double entendre
And leering at Cliff Williams!
(Their bass player, for those who don't know.)

The Most Frightening Thing About My Book

The Author Photo.

I was tempted to paste someone else's head on my body, but all I actually did was airbrush away some lint on my shirt.

Damn, I have a lot more gray than I thought! Maybe I should go back to bleaching my hair. It hides a multitude of sins.

Bet ya can't tell I lost four pounds!

Oh well...

Luckily, writers don't have to be pretty.

A Ghoulish Halloween Short-Short

Me wearing short shorts would be a truly ghoulish sight!
If I dress up for Halloween, I am either a hooker, an undead hockey player, or a vampire.
I'm not sure I want to know what this says about me.
Click the title link to read the morbid little tale I created for Indie's halloween picture.

The Manuscript

The Manuscript is nearly ready for delivery to the publisher. Just one final go-over to make sure I haven't left any potholes...
Click the title link to read the poem that introduces the book.

Another Short One

Click the title link for another short-short story by me, and by others too.

Two Mini-Tales and a Poem

I created two mini-stories and a poem for the Synchronicity of Indetermanicy blog, which is a really great blog, by the way.
The first story is here.
The second story is here.
And the poem is here.

Publisher Chosen

I've decided to go with Outskirts Press in Parker, Colorado. Not only will they print the books and help set up an e-book version, they will help with distribution. I looked at several other 0n-demand publishers but this one seems like it will provide the most bang for my buck.
Lost Beneath The Surface will go to press this spring! I am finishing the clean-up work and starting work on the second book. I actually have about 2000 pages of material but it's haphazard. It's hard to be organized when you're bipolar, but creativity isn't all chaotic fun. (Damn!)
I started the story that spawned this phenomenon in 1992, so what can I say? It's about goddamn time!

First Draft Complete!

Happy about this. But I have to do some cleanup work. And at this very moment I would rather have my sinuses cleaned with a dirty plunger than ever hear the word "novel" again!

Nearing a Complete First Draft

The first draft of the first book is nearing 400 complete trade-size pages! Just 3 more chapters to have a complete first draft. Then I take my licks from my chosen editors and write to Arkham House asking for permission to quote the chosen H.P. Lovecraft text. I'm doing everything possible to make sure it's ready to rock come Spring 2007.
Lucky '07...

Questions!

This was on Jason's blog. Click the title link to visit the original post. Since the question at the end is about writing I posted it here at this much-neglected blog.

1. When did you first start blogging and why?
Late August 2005 because I feel the need to force my opinions on other people.

2. What don't you talk about?
The Celebrity Du Jour. Unless it's in a sarcastic way.

3. Are you and your blogging persona the same person?
Yes, we're both nuts.

4. How do you use blogging to build friendships?
Other than trolls, the only people who are going to respond are generally people who have something in common. I didn't go out of the way to cultivate any friendships. A few just happened.

5. How would you describe your writing style?
Like my soul: Strange, scary, unique, off the wall, misunderstood, and hopeful for a better future that I really don't expect.

The Rainbow

Click the title link to see a recent post on my Esoteric Gnowledge Blog that has validity for all creative spirits.

Peddling Smut

Warning: this post full of stupidly suggestive puns.
Once again I find myself being thrust into the position of assisting my dirty-minded friend Kelly The Naughty Observer and her horny husband Brian work on one of their mostly harmless yet highly graphic stories. Because Brian coerces Kelly with his manly charms, most of these Works of Smut are of the lesbian or two girls to every guy variety, though I and my gay chums Dave and Brett protest vehemently that we need to work on more stories about dudes who prefer dudes! That works for me, although a little one man one woman or two guys to every chick wouldn't be a bad departure either!
But I'm a writer and pride myself on my editing skills. And it's such fun getting together with these zany characters and conceiving a tale of torrid lust. All of them are dedicated to the late great Becki, the lurid lesbian with a heart of gold and liver of steel! It is she that was responsible for starting this club of lewd literature.
So although my dearly beloved Ghost Writer is threatening me with creative varieties of unspeakable violence for taking a brief hiatus from the Tale of Terror to tap out some vicarious filth, I must take that chance. Besides, he's never yet carried out any of his twisted threats to bump me off. And it goes without saying that if I did, he'd never find out how the story ends. So he's over a barrel and I'm off to perform literary dirty deeds of a different variety.
Pardon the inside humor and blatant punning, if you can!
The Gratuitious Cheesemeister

To Serve Woman

Cara Lorraine Hartley -- [adjective]: Tastes like fried chicken 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

This is what it says about me in the Cannibal Cookbook.

A**hole ghost!

My horror movie death:

First to Die
How will it happen?	You will be stung to death by killer bees which are controled by a ghost.
'What horror movie death would you have?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Honestly, I don't see how this would happen when I'm wandering around the haunted forest alone looking for beer and then running to warn my family about the UFO I see flying overhead. But oh well. You can't argue with the great Quiz Thingy.

Life at My House

Play-Dough
Yesterday I made some of my special teal play-dough for my kids to read with. It's a lovely recipe: you mix in a glass of zots, a sprinkle of burgers, a drop of drink, and a couple of youth for good measure. Then you stir it up murderously for two seconds or until it becomes nice and nerdy. Then you bake it for almost a period (no more!) and let it cool.
It's a big hit with my kids, who like to make things out of it. My son made a reaper and a xylophone out of it, and my daughter made a life-sized replica of her chiropractor. Then they mashed it all back into a circle and started over again. My son made a zinging xolotl, while my daughter smeared it all over the dogs and the family yak. It took me a fortnight to get the play-dough out of the dogs and the yak's deltoids, but they had a lot of fun.

The Tale of the Food Stand

Food Stand
I started a food service enterprise the other day. I run a food stand. I serve everything. For breakfast, I serve yams, bananas, and fried fish filets. For lunch, I serve ham sandwiches and honey cakes. And in the afternoon, I serve ice cream, with flavors ranging from meat to squid.
One morning, a boyfriend came up to me and ordered a wimpy tartar sauce. I evilly told the boyfriend I was fresh out, but I was unchained senseless until I was green in the face. I didn't think that was very bulky, so I went to the police. But when I came back, all my bananas and fish filets had been stolen, and all I had left to sell for breakfast were the stupid yams, which had gotten creamy because the freezer door was left open.
That was my worst day. My best day was, trickily, just before it. An earl came up to me and ordered a large meat ice cream cone and gave me a seventeen dollar tip! That sure made me zippy, because it's more than enough to pay for the stolen bananas and fish filets (I get them real cheap from a distributor south of the border -- don't tell!).

Betcha Didn't Know I Was Named After My Uncle

The Ski Trip
A few hours ago, I went skiing down Mount Kippered. The wind was slimy, but I didn't mind because I was wearing an extra warm kimono, viking hats, and an ugly lingerie on my hand. The lift was a type I'd never seen before -- it was called a "apple lift." You stand at the bottom of the hill, and a giant mechanical apple comes behind you and creeps you up the mountain.
I went skiing with my uncle Cara, who had never been skiing before. Cara was so angry that the skis messed! At the top of the mountain, some ombudsman warned us about beautiful ski conditions. No matter. We headed for the expert slopes and started down. Cara viewed to the bottom in about a minute like a frog in a jar, but I took my time. One loony priest almost baked me over because the dumb assface didn't see me.
Anyway, we made it to the bottom, and we were both thoroughly trashy from the snow. We had a vague time, but next time I'm wearing more viking hats.

Remember Virginia Woolf

Click the title link to go to the Shadow Sphere and pay your respects to the late great author, Virginia Woolf.

And While You're Waiting Till The Next Millennium For Me To Finish My Book...

If you're a political liberal and a cynic, click the title link and find what looks like an interesting read. I'll be ordering a copy! Because I'm both of the above.
Peace,
The Literary Prisoner