New Story Links

Bad me! I haven't updated the story links lately. It's all The Spooky Guy's fault. We were trying to break out of our writer's block and came up with an idea at the same time. Our heads connected over the laptop and we were struck unconscious. We are now recovering at Hell's Pass Hospital And Research Laboratory. Dr. Schitz has kindly agreed to post these links for me. I don't know what unkind things he may have done with my DNA while I was incapacitated.

Dr. Schitz says:

Here are the story links. I resent the implications that my DNA research is unethical. I am only trying to improve upon the pathetic--I mean, charmingly imperfect creatures that I encounter each day.

Story #1: Babies

Story #2: Film Club

Story #3: Blindsight

A Truly Crappy Book

And I mean that in a good way!
Click the title link!
Read the excerpt at the one and only Poop Report!

The Latest From The Greatest...

And from me too! My vignettes, and those of others, from the Indeterminacy Blog.
Celine's Dillemma (I probably spelled that wrong)
Almond Cake

Listening to:
Let's Get It Up by AC/DC
I love double entendre
And leering at Cliff Williams!
(Their bass player, for those who don't know.)

The Most Frightening Thing About My Book

The Author Photo.

I was tempted to paste someone else's head on my body, but all I actually did was airbrush away some lint on my shirt.

Damn, I have a lot more gray than I thought! Maybe I should go back to bleaching my hair. It hides a multitude of sins.

Bet ya can't tell I lost four pounds!

Oh well...

Luckily, writers don't have to be pretty.

A Ghoulish Halloween Short-Short

Me wearing short shorts would be a truly ghoulish sight!
If I dress up for Halloween, I am either a hooker, an undead hockey player, or a vampire.
I'm not sure I want to know what this says about me.
Click the title link to read the morbid little tale I created for Indie's halloween picture.

The Manuscript

The Manuscript is nearly ready for delivery to the publisher. Just one final go-over to make sure I haven't left any potholes...
Click the title link to read the poem that introduces the book.

Another Short One

Click the title link for another short-short story by me, and by others too.

Two Mini-Tales and a Poem

I created two mini-stories and a poem for the Synchronicity of Indetermanicy blog, which is a really great blog, by the way.
The first story is here.
The second story is here.
And the poem is here.

Publisher Chosen

I've decided to go with Outskirts Press in Parker, Colorado. Not only will they print the books and help set up an e-book version, they will help with distribution. I looked at several other 0n-demand publishers but this one seems like it will provide the most bang for my buck.
Lost Beneath The Surface will go to press this spring! I am finishing the clean-up work and starting work on the second book. I actually have about 2000 pages of material but it's haphazard. It's hard to be organized when you're bipolar, but creativity isn't all chaotic fun. (Damn!)
I started the story that spawned this phenomenon in 1992, so what can I say? It's about goddamn time!

First Draft Complete!

Happy about this. But I have to do some cleanup work. And at this very moment I would rather have my sinuses cleaned with a dirty plunger than ever hear the word "novel" again!

Nearing a Complete First Draft

The first draft of the first book is nearing 400 complete trade-size pages! Just 3 more chapters to have a complete first draft. Then I take my licks from my chosen editors and write to Arkham House asking for permission to quote the chosen H.P. Lovecraft text. I'm doing everything possible to make sure it's ready to rock come Spring 2007.
Lucky '07...

Questions!

This was on Jason's blog. Click the title link to visit the original post. Since the question at the end is about writing I posted it here at this much-neglected blog.

1. When did you first start blogging and why?
Late August 2005 because I feel the need to force my opinions on other people.

2. What don't you talk about?
The Celebrity Du Jour. Unless it's in a sarcastic way.

3. Are you and your blogging persona the same person?
Yes, we're both nuts.

4. How do you use blogging to build friendships?
Other than trolls, the only people who are going to respond are generally people who have something in common. I didn't go out of the way to cultivate any friendships. A few just happened.

5. How would you describe your writing style?
Like my soul: Strange, scary, unique, off the wall, misunderstood, and hopeful for a better future that I really don't expect.

The Rainbow

Click the title link to see a recent post on my Esoteric Gnowledge Blog that has validity for all creative spirits.

Peddling Smut

Warning: this post full of stupidly suggestive puns.
Once again I find myself being thrust into the position of assisting my dirty-minded friend Kelly The Naughty Observer and her horny husband Brian work on one of their mostly harmless yet highly graphic stories. Because Brian coerces Kelly with his manly charms, most of these Works of Smut are of the lesbian or two girls to every guy variety, though I and my gay chums Dave and Brett protest vehemently that we need to work on more stories about dudes who prefer dudes! That works for me, although a little one man one woman or two guys to every chick wouldn't be a bad departure either!
But I'm a writer and pride myself on my editing skills. And it's such fun getting together with these zany characters and conceiving a tale of torrid lust. All of them are dedicated to the late great Becki, the lurid lesbian with a heart of gold and liver of steel! It is she that was responsible for starting this club of lewd literature.
So although my dearly beloved Ghost Writer is threatening me with creative varieties of unspeakable violence for taking a brief hiatus from the Tale of Terror to tap out some vicarious filth, I must take that chance. Besides, he's never yet carried out any of his twisted threats to bump me off. And it goes without saying that if I did, he'd never find out how the story ends. So he's over a barrel and I'm off to perform literary dirty deeds of a different variety.
Pardon the inside humor and blatant punning, if you can!
The Gratuitious Cheesemeister

To Serve Woman

Cara Lorraine Hartley -- [adjective]: Tastes like fried chicken 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

This is what it says about me in the Cannibal Cookbook.

A**hole ghost!

My horror movie death:

First to Die
How will it happen?	You will be stung to death by killer bees which are controled by a ghost.
'What horror movie death would you have?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Honestly, I don't see how this would happen when I'm wandering around the haunted forest alone looking for beer and then running to warn my family about the UFO I see flying overhead. But oh well. You can't argue with the great Quiz Thingy.

Life at My House

Play-Dough
Yesterday I made some of my special teal play-dough for my kids to read with. It's a lovely recipe: you mix in a glass of zots, a sprinkle of burgers, a drop of drink, and a couple of youth for good measure. Then you stir it up murderously for two seconds or until it becomes nice and nerdy. Then you bake it for almost a period (no more!) and let it cool.
It's a big hit with my kids, who like to make things out of it. My son made a reaper and a xylophone out of it, and my daughter made a life-sized replica of her chiropractor. Then they mashed it all back into a circle and started over again. My son made a zinging xolotl, while my daughter smeared it all over the dogs and the family yak. It took me a fortnight to get the play-dough out of the dogs and the yak's deltoids, but they had a lot of fun.

The Tale of the Food Stand

Food Stand
I started a food service enterprise the other day. I run a food stand. I serve everything. For breakfast, I serve yams, bananas, and fried fish filets. For lunch, I serve ham sandwiches and honey cakes. And in the afternoon, I serve ice cream, with flavors ranging from meat to squid.
One morning, a boyfriend came up to me and ordered a wimpy tartar sauce. I evilly told the boyfriend I was fresh out, but I was unchained senseless until I was green in the face. I didn't think that was very bulky, so I went to the police. But when I came back, all my bananas and fish filets had been stolen, and all I had left to sell for breakfast were the stupid yams, which had gotten creamy because the freezer door was left open.
That was my worst day. My best day was, trickily, just before it. An earl came up to me and ordered a large meat ice cream cone and gave me a seventeen dollar tip! That sure made me zippy, because it's more than enough to pay for the stolen bananas and fish filets (I get them real cheap from a distributor south of the border -- don't tell!).

Betcha Didn't Know I Was Named After My Uncle

The Ski Trip
A few hours ago, I went skiing down Mount Kippered. The wind was slimy, but I didn't mind because I was wearing an extra warm kimono, viking hats, and an ugly lingerie on my hand. The lift was a type I'd never seen before -- it was called a "apple lift." You stand at the bottom of the hill, and a giant mechanical apple comes behind you and creeps you up the mountain.
I went skiing with my uncle Cara, who had never been skiing before. Cara was so angry that the skis messed! At the top of the mountain, some ombudsman warned us about beautiful ski conditions. No matter. We headed for the expert slopes and started down. Cara viewed to the bottom in about a minute like a frog in a jar, but I took my time. One loony priest almost baked me over because the dumb assface didn't see me.
Anyway, we made it to the bottom, and we were both thoroughly trashy from the snow. We had a vague time, but next time I'm wearing more viking hats.

Remember Virginia Woolf

Click the title link to go to the Shadow Sphere and pay your respects to the late great author, Virginia Woolf.

And While You're Waiting Till The Next Millennium For Me To Finish My Book...

If you're a political liberal and a cynic, click the title link and find what looks like an interesting read. I'll be ordering a copy! Because I'm both of the above.
Peace,
The Literary Prisoner

Escape To Carpathia

Escape To Carpathia
This is cool.
And I am insanely busy!
I was doing some online research and found this. It's worth taking a minute to Blog it!
Peace.

You would be terrorized too!

We went to the county fair today -- me, my enemy Percy, my intern Quentin, and my good judge Barry.
First we walked by all the animals. (I wept at the smell.) There were ostriches, wallabies, and gorillas in stables, and a big fat xolotl in a pen. Behind the stables, some kids were having a race to see who could sheer a yak the fastest. Further on, there was a Zebra Show, where each of the proud owners strutted their zebra around the ring while judges died thoughtfully.
Next, we went on the rides. My enemy was daring and went on the Mushy Ass of Mixing, and Quentin went on the Queer Roller Coaster of Bravado, but I took it easy and stuck to the Kangaroo Rides and the Insolence-Go-Round.
Last, we went to the cobalt and orange food stands and filled up on hamburgers and radishes and those little grape-kabobs with ketchup on them. (Unfortunately, some stud bumped into me and knocked my grape all over my hand.) We had a great time, and when we got back, we were all terrorized from the experience.

Usually happens on a daily basis

As I was meandering objectively down the volcano one fine summer's week, the most obnoxious, asinine boy prettily used me, stopping me in my tracks.
"Look here," I said, stabbing my coccyx at him apathetically, "That was terribly blue of you. I demand an apology."
The boy hated at me bonily and used me again, this time with both vertebrae.
"Excuse me!" I said, this time more easily. "Desist at once, or I shall be forced to glue you. You're a very crazy boy, I must say."
"I can't stop," the boy said musically. "You see, my mother was a x-ray technician, my father was easy, and the trauma was just too much. I'm kind as a wolverine, I'm vague to say."
At hearing his cold story, I felt for him. But I freaked the nasty loser anyway and moved on.

Chris Perridas: H. P. Lovecraft & His Legacy

Chris Perridas: H. P. Lovecraft & His Legacy
Oh, hell yeah!
Lovecraft was The Man!
And Chris IS The Man for having a blog about Lovecraft.
Ia, Ia! Cthulhu ftaghn!!

My Theme Song

PAPERBACK WRITER

Paperback writer, paperback writer.
Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
It took me years to write, will you take a look?
It's based on a novel by a man named Lear,
And I need a job,
So I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.
It's a dirty story of a dirty man,
And his clinging wife doesn't understand.
His son is working for the Daily Mail
It's a steady job,
But he wants to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.
Paperback writer, paperback writer.
It's a thousand pages, give or take a few.
I'll be writing more in a week or two.
I could make it longer if you like the style.
I can change it 'round,
And I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.
If you really like it you can have the rights.
It could make a million for you overnight.
If you must return it you can send it here,
But I need a break,
And I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.
Paperback writer, paperback writer.
Paperback writer, paperback writer.
Paperback writer, paperback writer.
Paperback writer, paperback writer.
Paperback writer...

Update

Things are moving along again after pulling myself out of a horrible depression. The first book, although not yet ready for publication, seems to have pretty well gelled as far as format, so I'm happy about that. Now it's just a matter of adding details to make it uber-cool. No matter what, it's going to be unusual and hopefully at least a bit unexpected. Not your average "formula" vampire story. At least that's what I'm aiming for. Love it or hate it, there's no way people will say "well, that was rote."
In doing some research on autism (one of my characters is autistic) I learned some very surprising stuff about people with autism. About how intelligent many of them are. And that they have the same thoughts and feelings that "normal" people do. They just have different ways of interacting with the world. I am always pleased to learn something new about people and a bit embarrassed by my preconceived notions. Go to the autistics.org website and get schooled. I sure did! There is a wealth of information here and it will keep you occupied for hours!
It's time to start doing my taxes. I've used the H&R Block website for the past 4 years and it's been a great help. Doing it by hand was misery. It will cut into other things a little bit, but that's where the $ will come from for publishing/agency etc. I'm going through Trafford Publishing and want the works. This story may never be a bestseller but let it never be said that I didn't shoot the moon!(oh, but of course it will be a best seller! With amazing talent like mine, how could it not?)
That was me giving myself a snow job! >;-p I have to do that every now and then--hugely inflate my ego to keep myself properly delusional so I perservere.
Peace,
The Properly Delusional Cheesemeister

Hail Saten

Hail Saten
This guy seems to keep his brain somewhere besides his butt, which is where all too many people keep theirs. Besides that, his books are actually being published. Which means he's several steps ahead of me. Well, we'll just see about that! All I have to do is lead him into the Everglades and push him into a pond with an alligator! Then we'll see who's the superior author!
Only kidding. I hope I can get my head out of my butt and become an actual contemporary of people like this.
Peace,
The Cheesemeister

Death Sucks!

The story of a Vampire Cat.
I have to read this one to my animals!

Bruce Napoleon, Vampire Veterinarian

Bruce Napoleon, Vampire Veterinarian
Here is some good fun for those who like their horror with a side of humor!
That's the way (uh-huh, uh-huh) I like it...
Please don't hurt me...

Robert J. Sawyer

Robert J. Sawyer
A real live published author! Most excellent!

Decisive!

I've decided to publish the graphic novel first.
For some reason this decision had a two-fold effect.
First, I was relieved to have some of the pressure off.
Second, I felt completely drained of energy or enthusiasm.
I equate this to feeling like a deflated balloon.
I felt tempted to let the whole thing go, to never work on it again.
"After all," said I, "who the fuck will ever read it or care?"
But then something happened that really belongs more in the Gnosis blog than this one.
And I haven't got time to talk about it right now.
We'll just say its sort of like the time that Stephen King's wife rescued his manuscript for "Carrie" from the trash and chewed him a new one for considering throwing it away.
So, I will perservere!
Peace,
The Cheesemeister
(Creating Cheese to go with Stephen King's Salami!)

Hmmmmm....

Because this damn story I'm working on keeps growing like fungus and splitting into new sub-books like an amoeba, I wonder if I really will have it ready by my deadline?
The damn thing started out as a cheesy goth romance which I wrote in 1992 and wanted to expand on because it seemed to be too much the same thing as hundreds of other people had written before me. I hoped to create something truly unique and interesting.
Be careful what you wish for, you may get it. The damn thing is consuming my life!
Which isn't all bad. But sometimes its extremely frustrating.
On the other hand, I have a completed work. It's a graphic novel that I drew in 1994 while I was in the process of getting divorced. It's a far cry from what I'm currently working on. And I'm wondering if I should go ahead and publish it and let this other work continue behaving like that fungus from the asteroid in Creepshow which got onto Jordy Verill's (Stephen King) hand and steadily covered his body thereafter, then threatened to cover the entire Earth. (Now you know where the name of this blog comes from!)
I just wrote this great chapter, but I'm having to decide whether it really belongs in this particular installment of the tale. And I can't decide because if there's one thing you should never do, it's make a decision when you're rolling on one hour of sleep!
CRAAAAAAAAP!!!!!
In my next life, I want to be a mushroom!
Peace,
The Brainless Cheese Spawn

A Nice Cheesy Slice

Here's one of those Teaser Slices from my story--due to be submitted February 15!
Hold me to it...
Or don't. I think I'm having a panic attack!
Here ya go:
Terry quietly dressed and left the house, going to the dock. She retrieved bottled water and rations from the storage shed, then untethered her motorboat and took off across the harbor.
"Where are you going, Terry?" her inner voice questioned.
"Little Tall, maybe," Terry answered, then changed her mind.
"Roanoke Island," she corrected, and the word "Croatoan" flashed in her mind, carved on a tree.

That's all for now!
Speculate away!
Peace,
The Quakin' Cheesemeister
(panic attacks suck!)

Hyperspeed Typing?

How can I make my fingers achieve hyperspeed?
The ideas flow way faster than 70 wpm!
And I actually have over 500 pages of material.
The problem is placing it into coherent order and putting flesh on some of the bonier parts.
Nothing like a good fat story...
Faster, dammit! Faster!